Day 68 - My testimony

In Psalm 139, we see the efforts one might make to avoid or escape God. Yet, there is no way to accomplish this as God is everywhere. In Matthew 6:25 through 34, Jesus gives what I consider one of the hardest commands…”do not worry!” You might be asking yourself how these two passages fit together. Well, they accurately depict the way in which God has drawn me closer to Himself. You see, I am a worrier and have, at times in my life, run from God. But God has gently pursued me. I can relate to the people in these scriptures worrying about the minutia of life and running from God. Yet God has used these instances in my life to teach me of His great love for me. My journey has been filled with many of these lessons as God call and my life have begun to intertwine.

My journey began in a small little farming community in Indiana. From the time I was born, I have been in church. This church was more like an outgrowth of my family. Yet, I did not realize this until much later in my life. It was in this church family that I learned of God’s amazing love for me; I knew it in my head, but I did not know it in my heart!

When I turned 19, the flood gates of Heaven opened up, and God began an amazing work in me. My heart was torn to bits and then put tenderly back together. It was the beginning of my sophomore year in college, and something was not right. I have lived with a visual disability my entire life. It was during this year that my vision got worse. Doctors could not figure it out, and I was extremely worried because I could no longer see at night. Finally, doctors were able to determine the problem and ease the painful headaches. In all this, I had to learn exactly what it means to fully trust God. It was then that Jesus’ words of “do not worry” became a comfort and not a struggle. This situation was out of my hands and fully in His. Why worry!

During this same school year, I reached a new low in my life. I found out that my biological father resented my existence. He resented me because I was not, how do you say, “normal” in his eyes. Now, you have to know that my parents were divorced, and I really never had a relationship with my father. When I received this news, I felt like a lost sheep without a shepherd to come looking for me. It seemed as if everyone else had supportive fathers showing them love, but I did not! Members of my family and my peers told me I should love him and respect him even though he did neither for me. They based this on the fifth commandment …”honor your father and mother.” I sunk into a dark place of depression because of this. I felt miles away from God having forgotten that he promised to be with us always as illustrated in Psalm 139. How could I love and honor someone who could not muster the same feelings for me: his son? Then, my best friend took me to see a pastoral counselor. After a few visits with him, he helped me to discover that God is my Father! Though I did not have a father on this earth who loved me, I had a Father in Heaven who has loved me from before the foundations of the earth! How amazing is that? God loved me and is my Heavenly Father!

During the summer before my senior year, I got involved with a summer camp for children and adults with disabilities. God used this camp to teach me about serving. I had to humble myself to serve another by doing some of the simplest things of life such as tie a shoe or squeeze toothpaste. It was during this time that I adopted my life verse. It is Matthew 25:40 and says, “The King will reply, I tell you the truth. Whatever you have done to the least of these brothers of mine, you have done to me.” My service took on a new scope. It went from being a tick mark on a checklist to being focused on Christ. The manner in which I served these campers is the same manner I was serving Christ. He also taught me about faith, but I will tell you more about that later. I am still involved with this camp and am a co-director. I have many friends who are more like family, and God still teaches me each and every time I go to camp.

Well, time passed, and I graduated. I found a job and moved into the basement apartment of my aunt and uncle’s home in Lexington. During this time, I joined a new church: St. Luke. It was here that I began to sing in the choir and become connected into ministry opportunities. One Wednesday night in late November 2003, my dear friends Marty and Judy Seitz were taking me home after choir practice. They had made mention of the Emmaus walk, and I said that I might be interested. Judy’s immediate response was that she would get me an application and I would be off and running. She told me to give her a list of people that I would like to have praying for me. I did so and left it at that.

Well, the weekend ends with something called Agape letters. I got many letters of love and support. Again, God was pouring His love out on me and showing me what a wonderful family I have. God was also preparing me for what was to come during the next phase of my journey. He did this through the act of not wearing my watch. I am a slave to time…even today, but God was preparing me for something to come; something that would require me to be on His time.

In the summer of 2004, I went to Special Skills Camp ready to serve even more than in previous years. During our second week of camp, a man came by the name of Gary. Now Gary was the epitome of a Vietnam vet. He was in a wheelchair and had his dew rag tied around his head. He was rough around the edges and remained distant for most of his time with us. Due to the nature of Gary’s disability, we had to send him home. As he waited for his ride in the lobby of his cabin, he seemed puzzled. As his counselor went past, Gary grabbed him and physically sat him down in the chair next to him. Looking him in the eye, Gary asked his counselor to tell him who this Jesus is. Now the counselor had many tasks to do and felt the time crunch, but God held the counselor there and whispered to the counselor’s heart…”not your time, but mine!” Well, the counselor spent time sharing about Jesus. He then prayed with Gary, and Gary asked Jesus into his heart! Three days later, Gary was dead. His counselor was beside himself for about four weeks and became angry at God for taking Gary after such a life-changing moment. God spoke once more to the counselor’s spirit saying…”remember, everything is on my time!” I was Gary’s counselor, and I can honestly tell you that had it not been for learning to be on God’s time, I would not have made it. God worked in my life to show me that not only does He love me, but He also has everything under control.

Well, time passed, and I continued to learn to be on God’s time. Yet while I was learning to be on God’s time, I refused to be in His will. Two years ago this month, I began to fill my life with activity hoping to clutter my life with noise which would drown out God’s voice. I wanted to be far from God, as the psalmist depicted, because I was scared of what He was asking of me. I became involved in many ministries and committees at St. Luke. I did this to avoid what God was calling me to do. You see, God was calling me into the ministry as a pastor, but that was not what I wanted. So, I figured if I did other ministry, that would be good enough. Not so! God will do whatever is necessary to get our attention! He came in a burning bush to Moses, and He came in an audible voice to me. On January 4th 2006, I was visiting the UM Home for Children with my friend Charlie. We were touring the chapel when God grabbed me! I could see Charlie talking to the tour guide but could not hear him. Then, God said, “Feed My Sheep!” Through the stirrings of my spirit and discernment by myself and others, I knew God wanted me to be in pastoral ministry. Now, I am attending seminary and learning to follow God’s will and not my own!

God has shown me His love as a Father through the love of friends and family. He has taught me to live on His time, and He has taught me to surrender to His will. However, God has taught me one other lesson in my journey. God has taught me that He cares about my smallest needs. You see, because I can not see, I can not drive. Yet God has given me wonderful friends to get me where I need to go. These people know who they are, and I can only thank them for being the hands and feet of Christ for me! He even, the day after I said yes to seminary, provided me with the funds and transportation in order to even be able to attend seminary! Our God is so good! He cares enough for the grass of the field to clothe it, and He cares about me enough to provide from even my smallest needs. I know I do not deserve the many blessings I have been given, but because God so loved me before the foundation of time, He sent His Son to die for my sins. Praise God!

Let me leave you with this thought, how are you, in your life, allowing God to teach you? Are you allowing Him to show you His love as your Heavenly Father and then turning around and sharing it with others, or are you still baring a pain from the past? Are you living on His time or on your own? Are you seeking His will and surrendering yourself to Him daily or is it all about you? Are you giving the small stuff to God or are you spending time worrying about every little thing? When I saw that pastoral counselor, I gave the pain of my father to God and have not looked back! I am still learning to live on His time and in His will by drawing close to Him and allowing Him to “search my heart.” And, I have learned that God cares even about the birds of the field, so He is also watching out for my needs as well! I am a work in progress, but each and every one of my days is filled with a new lesson from God. I hope that I continue to learn from Him, and I hope that you do to!

God, I thank you for the care which you show for us all! Strip away, from us all, the selfishness which we exercise and which hurts others! Be our Guide and Stay! AMEN!